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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "icewolf889" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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08:08 pm
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pfft....
Ok so riley (my 3 year old) is pretty smart. no along with him being smart he has somehow, ok maybe not somehow but has inherited my smart ass attitude. now its getting to the point where he thinks hes better than everyone and is getting a little out of hand. if you tell him something he answers back and says no, if he needs to listen hes looking at the ceiling. I DONT GET IT!!! i know he can do this stuff, i mean come on he can name and show you where 28 different countries are on the world map. yeah he knows letters, numbers, shapes, colors, animals, states, countries, etc... but wen it comes to sitting and doing as told riley has a 1/2 hour limit. so im gonna try a reward chat and see how that goes.
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06:19 pm
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yeah
Just kinda want everything to go away
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07:33 pm
[Link] | so im really happy, thats been my life as of late. great kid, Boyfriend, best friends ......i must say life is good!
Frank is more than likely going to move in by the end of the month. i've Cleaned my closet out so his things would fit. i looked at the empty space and pretended it was filled with all his things and couldnt help but form a smile. Things will work i know they will now that we're both trying. when he came by tonight he looked so happy playing with me and Ri inside a very small tent i wish someone took a pic of us with our butts hanging out. i found it pretty funny.
ANYWAY steph (my wife) is giving me this hard look (I.E.- Hey get your skinny ass off my computer and lets go to the damn concert already)
My happy giddy bubbly (sp?) moment has been shot down
*sad face*
HEE HEE frank, Ri and I are gonna be a family......YAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!
*happy face*
Current Mood:  giddy
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12:11 pm
[Link] | So things are going great as of right now that is. I got a new job that i love more than anything even though i dont get to see much of my favorite people anymore. Frank and I are doing better than we have in a very very long time. Flowers, candy, cute cards, no fighting at all. I think frank may even move in with me *cross' fingers* soon and we might be able to pull of the whole happy family thing. i guess it really does pay off to bite the bullet and hold your ground when you feel like everything is falling apart around you. Everythig seems to be working out.
But with the great new job comes long effin' hours. i dont get to stop by stephs as offten which sucks cuz i like spending time with my mom and dad. Plus Ri needs his time with his grandparents and TiTi. If it wasn't for them i don't think i would have made it this far and thats the gods honest truth. from bloody nights in D.E. to Ri getting sick and having to stay in the hospital i know i would have broken down somewhere along the line without their support.
I finally feel like I'm doing it... well i know im getting through life but i feel like a good mom/Girlfriend/kid/sister.
well in any case life rocks
Current Mood: loved
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11:16 am
[Link] | so havent written in this damn thing since i lived in New York. well in any case im having a day sent from hell. just plan crappy if i do say so myself. I didnt get much sleep last night between stephs super heavy breathing, rileys non stop whinning and random calls from friends heartbroken boyfriends at 2am. *sigh* i just want sleep and a job .... a better one that can work with my hours.
I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers again. this crap is hard i want to throw in the towel and walk away but i cant nor do i truly want to. i guess this is one of thoughs good times that come with the bad.
ok im done feeling sorry for myself
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08:35 pm
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Damn i Miss him
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
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07:11 pm
[Link] | Look a-yonder comin'
Comin' down that railroad track
Hey, look a-yonder comin'
Comin' down that railroad track
It's the Orange Blossom Special
Bringin' my baby back
Well, I'm going down to Florida
And get some sand in my shoes
Or maybe Californy
And get some sand in my shoes
I'll ride that Orange Blossom Special
And lose these New York blues
"Say man, when you going back to Florida?"
"When am I goin' back to Florida? I don't know, don't reckon I ever will."
"Ain't you worried about getting your nourishment in New York?"
"Well, I don't care if I do-die-do-die-do-die-do-die."
Hey talk about a-ramblin'
She's the fastest train on the line
Talk about a-travellin'
She's the fastest train on the line
It's that Orange Blossom Special
Rollin' down the seaboard line
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02:24 pm
[Link] | I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line
I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line
As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line
You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line
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10:16 am
[Link] | Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
I just want to fucking leave NY already!!! i'll be where i belong soon enough......when september ends.
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10:37 am
[Link] | my car died yesterday and wait heres the great amazing news........my grandpa bought me a brand new car and is paying for me to insure it. my life has its good days *SMILE*
I'll be moving down to FL in sept
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10:22 am
[Link] | so the words "mind your own business" are jumping out at me and slaping me in the face. so you know what im not gonna let it ruin my day, it shouldnt ruin my day, god damn it it wont ruin my day. my sister has riley and its my day off so fuck me for busting my head over something i cant control. im gonna go to the mall, RELAX!!!!, and maybe get a few things for my self. so yay for days off!!! oh and yay for not leting dumb things get to me!!
I am powerless over other peoples doings
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03:21 pm
[Link] | so all is well i started to go to Al-Anon meetings and they help. i didnt think they would but i feel so much better after going to one. i never thought just going somewhere and hearing what other people had to say could help THAT much. i learned i cant change frank or his doings, nothing was my fault though at times i really really felt like it was, and i cant just hope and pray for something to come and change my life i have to do the foot work to make it happen. like someone told me "God feeds the birds but he doesnt put the food in the nest" when i heard that it was like everything in my mind came together and a little light bulb went on. So I'm doing just that, doing the foot work to make serenity come into my life.
god grant me the serenity
to accept the things i can not change,
courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference!!
for never really WANTING to know god or anything to do with him i guess i need to lean on something. I'm goin to church on saturday night not so much for "god" but for myself. I came to the conclusion that frank IS MY ADDICTION. as much as i want to rescue him and fix him i can't it hurts to say that but its true. Dont get me wrong i love him more than anything but i have to put Riley and myself first. they say i have to detach myself but i cant. im trying but its hard, i cant help but call 50 times a day just to make sure hes alive. I'm down to 3 times a day, Wake up call, check up call and a bedtime call. i hope soon i can be down to one a day but right now 3 is all i can do. we wont even get into how many times i text him. its a slow process something i'm not used to. We live in a society of instant gratification but an instant answer isnt gonna walk through my front door and slap me in the face so i have to be willing to wait. someone i met told me this "Recovery is a process. It takes time to regain, reclaim,and recoup all that was lost while we tried on our own to cope with active drinking. Building trust takes time, change takes time; there are no immediate, ready made solutions but there is help out there that can lead us to the answers that lay right in front of us. So stop, take a breath and understand that where we are today is exactly where our "higher power" wants us to be and there is reason to be there" i swear that lady was an angel sent to just tell me everything will be ok, you know what? it helped those few calming words helped more than anything i could explain.
So I'm gonna have to take this one day at a time.
Current Mood:  learning to understand
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09:40 am
[Link] | omg i had THE best dream ever. i wish i could live in this world that my mind seemed to put together.
ok it starts off im at this ball (a dance not something that bounces) and im in the dress that i wore to franks grandmothers funeral (black, low cut, clingy) and theres this guy. ok lets say that over .....there this drop dead amazing tall dark haired blue eyed nicely dressed man in a red and black cape ok maybe more of a cloak, so the guy looks at me and smiles and walks away. so i get up but my heel to my shoe breaks so now i have one shoe and im looking for this guy. there so many people thats its hard not to go in circles or get sucked into one of the dances being held on the dance floor. so anyway i finally find this guy outside and hes just standing looking up at the moon thats when he speaks... "your cold". now he doesnt say this in a way of asking if im cold but stating that im cold. i look down at my hands and i have almost like a frost on them so i look up at him a say "yes i am .....a little". mind you im frickin Gaa Gaa over this man so i cant help but study every part of his face, then he looks at me touches my face and says "So beautiful yet so broken. come with me" so im following him down this road and he hands me this black pin striped cloak and tells me to put it on. SO i put it on and we keep walking now were kinda on an old NYC street with only a few street lights working so its kinda hard to make out features. then a few people drive by and this guy wraps me in his cloak so no one can see me thats when i smell him.......ahhh i still cant pin point what it was but OMG it was so good. anyway once he lets me go i ask him who he is, a few seconds go by with no answer then he stops and looks into my eyes like no one ever has and "says im everything you dream about" then he laughs. i stop and wait for something else for a different answer but he keeps walking and tells me to keep up and that its easy to get lost. so i speed up ... now something happened here but i cant remember what all i remember his him saying "i cant kiss you." then he grabed my hand and said "but i can walk with you" so we keep walking down this foggy street thats when i say "my son i have to get my son" he laughs and says he would be taken care of not to worry and that i we needed time alone. for not even knowing who this guy is i really trust him. thats when we walk up to some water and he holds my hand and says "Dont forget me, your wings may be broken but they still are beautiful" and he kiss' my forhead and then i wake up.
When i woke up i almost expected him to be there
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10:19 pm
[Link] | So its over thats it .... i guess. well for those who dont know im in NY ....for the next few months anyway. i would get into what happened but its to fucking crazy for words. lets just say i hate joanne that much more (you know i never thought i could hate someone SOOOOO much), frank and i are "taking a break" .................you know what fuck this i need to spill my guts out for a sec so bear with me
I want him back more than i've ever wanted anything in my entire life....and thats saying alot. i miss everything about him, the way he looks at me, the way he held me, god damn it i even miss the way he'd yell at me! did i hurt him so bad that we cant ever go back to one another? i just need .....need..... i just need him. i would be happy with just he and I together like it was ment to be. this is gonna sound a little off the wall but i miss his smell, i put on one of his t-shirts and could still smell smoke and cheap beer. i held the collar to that shirt so up my nose that i think i touched a part of my brain with it. the smell calmed me, it brought me back to a place where i could smile again. all i can think about is him, when i wake up the first thing i want to do is call, text, cheerp (i have a nextel), AIM, anything just to know hes there. my heart breaks everytime i hear his voice mail. at night all i think about is him and what he might be doing, playing spades, drinkin a beer, walking jackson, sleeping. *sigh* i just want my family put back together, i just want him. to tell the truth i dont even want to look at another man.... i dont i really ever want to. i know all i'd be doing is saying "frank wouldn't have done that that way, Franks better at that than you are, i remember when frank did something like that.......) i cried myself to sleep last night thinking of everything i lost. heck i wanted to cry when i saw an old pack of Marlboros on the floor of my car, i know he needs to fix himself and im not helping by sticking around, he needs his space......Right??? Oh but how badly i want to be in every part of "his space", i want to sit on his lap while he plays spades, watch him while he sleeps wishing he would wake up and tell me he loves me....etc.... i dont want to move on, I DONT!!! i wish the world would stop telling me to. i miss him so much it hurts and i cant wait till the day that he calls and says i want you back cuz i know i'd come running .....even though every one says i shouldnt. i cant help it im completly in love with him. forget about everything that was done or said i want him and nothing can be so bad that we could work through it.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
She said somedays I feel like shit
Somedays I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit
I don't understand why you have to always be gone
I get along but your trips always feel so long
And I find myself trying to stay by the phone
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, working my day around a call
And when I pick up I don't have much to say, so
I want you to know its a little fucked up that
I'm stuck here waiting, at times debatin
Telling you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
Please Come back home
You know, the place you used to live
Used to barbeque with burgers and ribs
Used to have a little party every halloween
with candy by the pile but now
you only stop by every once in a while
Shit
I find myself just filling my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I'm doing fine and I'm plannin' to keep it that way
You can call me if you find that you have something to say
And I'll tell you
I want you to know its a little fucked up that
I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating
Telling you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
Please Come back home
I want you to know its a little fucked up that
I'm stuck here waiting, no longer debatin'
Tired of sittin and hatin' and making these excuses
For why you're not around, and feeling sorta useless
It seems that one thing has been true all along
You don't really know what you've got till its gone
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
Please Come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
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10:46 am
[Link] | I'm giving up on everything
Because you messed me up
Don't know how much you
Screwed it up
You never listened
That's just too bad
Because I'm moving on
I won't forget
You were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don't patronize me
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted
Do you forget it now
You never got It
Do you get it now
Gotta get away
There's no point in thinking about yesterday
It's too late now
It won't ever be the same
We're so different now
I know I wanna run away
I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away
If only I could run away
Run away
I told you what i wanted I
I told you what i wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten
I won't be forgotten
Never Again
Forgotten
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10:00 am
[Link] | well today is mothers day, *smile* my first mothers day!!!!! it feels so weird when people say "hey happy mothers day" i almost wanna say "who? me? sorry you got the wrong person". life is good.
i didnt get breakfast in bed but i guess that comes later along with finger painted cards with mother spelled wrong. lol so happy mothers day to every mom out there
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02:17 pm
[Link] | I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart
my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me
take me with you
without you
everything just falls apart
without you
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
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05:53 pm
[Link] | ok im tired of feeling sorry for my self, NO MORE i am done. yeah you know what im gonna be on my own but thats nothing new just this time i have a little guy with me. im gonna do this and im gonna be just fine so fuck all you people who think i cant do it. im gonna live with my brother for the next 6 months save money move to FL and live my life.
if your family wants to mark me as your "psyhco girlfriend" go right ahead. i could give a fuck less what your family of drunks thinks of me. im still young and willing to live again.
so fuck frank and every beer he has ever thrown back and for not loving me the way i loved him, fuck joanne and her sick way of thinking, fuck jacob for being loved by frank more, fuck franks 4 brand new tires that I had to pay for, fuck my mom for thinking she was the best mom ever and thinking i didnt try to make this work, fuck my car for not working right, fuck delaware for.....for.... being DELAWARE!!!, fuck florida for being so far away and suspending my drivers license and not telling me, fuck maryland for not letting me leave DE till my court date, and most of all fuck me for wanting to make a life with frank and wanting to stay, fuck me for loving that man more than anything.
"i'll love to be the one to disappoint you when i dont fall down"
Current Mood: fuck you
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04:32 pm
[Link] | to whom it may concern,
My boyfriend and I own a 2 year old rottie who we love more than anything. The complex we live in was just sold and the company who purchused it is not allowing ANY type of dog to return to the complex. we've looked for another home but have been able to find a suiteable APT that will accommodate his needs. We concidered leaving him with the ASPCA but they dont practice a "No kill" policy. We would prefer him to placed with a loving home with a family that can love him the way we do.
please contact me at the following numbers:
631-978-1406
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09:25 pm
[Link] | so last night frank goes to "work" (he really goes to the local bar) i sat at home and waited for him to get off work so maybe we could have a nice night together. 1:30am passes, then 2am, now its 3am so i go out looking for him. stopped at work ...not there, went by the bar ......its closed, last place i went to was joannes (his ex baby mama) i never felt rage like i did the second i saw his car.
so i call him and call him and call him and call him .....no answer so i drive back home grab a knife go back and call him and call him *pop* ~PFFFFFFT~ there goes on tire *pop pop pop* ~PFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT~ there go the other 3 so finally frank comes outside with 2 huge hickies on his neck but wont come home.....at the time i didnt know he was waiting for the cops to show up......cops take me away and riley is left with frank and the fucking bitch ass whore for the next 5 hours.
i was released with a leash ........i cant leave the state of delaware untill my court date so now im fucking stuck here. *sigh*
all in all i WILL be moving back to FL
theres more to type but i just dont feel like it
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